Keeping the Peace

When we made up after the first war

We had it was kinda cute you know?

She threw things and she left her

Annoyed mark indelibly on me so

Every other time we fought after that

I knew when to back down; I knew when

What started as a row, a little spat,

Was about to descend into hell again.

And so now, while we don’t speak a lot,

Because frankly it is safer that way -

I have to say I’m happy that I’ve got

Someone; even if we haven’t much to say.

Calvin Klein's Prayer

Lord, Lord of Lingerie,

Whether hetero – bi – or gay,

Grant that on this holy day -

If I cut another piece away -

They’ll still run my ads in the USA!

Hell Hath no Fury...

Betty loved her lovin’

And she needed it quite often

So when her man said no - again

She wailed and watched it soften.

Betty was a pragmatist

So when her husband couldn’t,

Betty went and did some things

She really knew she shouldn’t.

She hired herself an escort

To take him to a dance

And paid him well so she could tell

Her friends she had romance.

The escort’s name was Cedric,

A stud with Osmond teeth,

And Betty had a real desire

To have him underneath.

They danced like Fred and Ginger

Then went back to a room,

As he undressed our Betty guessed

She was heading for the moon!

For when she saw his tackle

His rod – his loving stick

Betty seized the moment

And she jumped in bed real quick!

But Cedric was a lover

And he had all the moves,

He went and found the radio

And then put on some grooves.

But Betty was impatient,

“C’mere and gimme one!”

But Cedric said “Lie back in bed -

My work here isn’t done.”

So Betty lay and let him

Tie her up with pantyhose,

And as she lay there hot and bare

Cedric went through her clothes.

He took her money, jewellery

Her dignity her things,

And then just for good measure

He took her wedding rings,

And watched her there in crisis

In tears and in despair,

And gave a laugh as he cut off

All one side of her hair.

Just then the room door opened

Betty’s husband had appeared!

And Betty she felt safe again

Though the whole thing was quite weird.

Then horror of all horrors

She watched the two men kiss,

And then she knew what happened to

Her previous wedded bliss.

The hotel cleaners found her

All tied up and so abused,

And Betty vowed to take revenge

Against the two accused.

The men had run to Vegas

For a wedding Oh so gay!

And Betty followed close behind

So she could have her day.

She burst into the Chapel

And raised an Uzi quick

And shot all people present

Except her little prick.

He cowered and he pleaded

And he cried for Cedric’s loss,

And she listened for a moment

Giving half her hair a toss.

Then she shot him in the forehead

She just blew his head away

And the moral of the story?
Tell your wife if you are gay.

Leaving Satan's Daughter

With a satanic grin she chuckled

As she halted my departure.

My knees they almost buckled

As she stood there like an archer

Taking aim at my dear Stacey,

Such an innocent, so pure,

So reliable, so racy;

At the mercy of that hoor!

I begged her not to do it,

Please not to be so callous,

But she laughed as she got to it,

Aimed and shot her with such malice.

The assault it so did grieve me,

I started to feel faint,

She said, “Now you can leave me –

But not in OUR fuckin’ car you ain’t!”